Barriers for leaving abuse

I felt compelled by my last post to point out the immense barriers for leaving abuse so that people would stop judging people who stay in an abusive relationship, their are so -many- obstacles to safety that no one ever consideres. InshaAllah the blog will also address how to surpass these issues in the future. If you are needing help now call your local women's shelter, or local/national crisis hotline.

1.Shame and embarrassment: She may feel that she has brought the abuse on herself.

She may feel ashamed of her abuser and of herself. Social and cultural ethics about leaving may shape her decision based on the misguided advice of family and friends. In many cultures it is a complete and utter shame to even consider leaving a man who almost breaks your skull open every afternoon because you married him and now you have to deal with him.

2.Hopelessness: Due to psychological conditioning and the ensuing belief that the abuse

is her fault, leaving may not even occur to her as an option. The abuser generally breaks her into the mold of who he wants her to be and teaches her what to think. Many of these things shes taught go along the lines of, worthlessness, uselessness, powerlessness, and inability to succeed at anything.

3. Fear: Women can fear what the abuser will do if she leaves. She may fear retaliation

by the abuser, fear losing her children, or fear that her family, friends, possessions

and/or pets will be harmed. Women are often threatened severe threats by their partners regarding the above and give her a few beatings as well to make sure she gets the picture. It is often the case that family members will only assist the abuser and convince the victim to come back. There is always the fear that the sweet talking husband could convince Children's Aid that she is a bad mother.

4. Inaccessibility of social services: She may have tried to leave in the past, only to find

that there were waiting lists for counseling, shelters and other services. Sometimes women are even taxied out of their neighboring city, away from their support systems, because there is simply no room in the shelters.

5. Lack of access to adequate or affordable shelter and housing: The woman may not

have anywhere to go with her children if she leaves the relationship. There may not be a shelter in her community, or the shelter may not have adequate space. Often times women will get into a shelter and realize that they will be forced to pay market rent until subsidized housing can be found. This is almost impossible when you have children to feed on a small income, or in some cases the woman has no income at all.

6. Financial obstacles: There may be financial obstacles to leaving the relationship and

concern that she will be unable to provide for her children. She may be financially

dependent on the abuser, and may have little or no income, and limited work

experience, making it difficult for her to find employment. There may be the issue of divorce costs, an dividing up the house.

7. Family: Her family may pressure her to stay in the relationship. They may pressure her to work out the problems in the relationship and encourage her to believe that her

partner will change if she can fulfill some magic desire of his. They may have an altered view of the situation because of their own ideals, and push them upon her. They may not wanna take care of her, or have the responsibility of defending her actions to the community at large, which can be very ignorant and unhelpful.

8. Isolation: The abuser may have isolated her from family and friends. She may therefore have little support to leave the relationship. She may be surrounded by people who deny that the abuse is happening or who minimize it. The abuser will often cause her to fight with her family early on in the relationship so that she has no where to go when she needs to leave him. He see's any empowering loving family as a threat that must be taken care of.

9. Providing for children: Often times women will have to move the child's school repeatedly until they find a home. With a limited income the neighborhood the woman is forced to move into and the schools that are available may not be the best. In addition to this she may not be able to feed or cloth them on a limited income while paying bills and seeking counseling for all family members.

10. Immigration Status: Abusers will often threaten the woman with deportation and separation from their family and friends.

11. Mental Disorders: It may be hard for a woman to leave a relationship if she has depression of is bi-polar, or really has to deal with any other external factor that may change her judgment. Any formal diagnosis is always the husband's scapegoat for her acting 'crazy' and can be used against her in a custody battle. On the other end if a woman's partner suffers from a disorder it may be hard to decipher what actions are within his control and which actions are the disorder. There is often that sense of guilt for leaving him because upon his formal diagnosis it is his excuse for all of his negative behaviors.

12. Ideals of marriage: 'You made your bed, now lay in it.' Often times women are made to believe they deserve to be locked in an unloving relationship because she wasn't able to read his mind prior to marriage an see his ulterior motives. She is madec to feel like she caused this so she has to live with it for the rest of her life, despite the strife she feels and the effects it will have on her children.

13. Wanting to raise children in a two parent home: Many believe that raising their children with two parents is better, even if the partnership has some negative effects on the children.

14. Reaching out: Reaching out in the first place is such a difficult thing to do. There is a stigma against any counseling or support groups, and it is often hard to admit in the first place that you have a problem, because then you have to take on the task of fixing it. Sometimes when we do reach out to organizations the staff we get are not so supportive or understanding, and this can really hinder a woman's ability to leave.

15. Not realizing abuse: Often times we have no idea that we are even the victims of abuse. Society as a whole seems to think that if its not physical, its not abuse. For many of us we were raised with abusive parents and siblings, and learn that these behaviors are acceptable from those who 'love' us. I encourage everyone to check out a standard Power and Control Wheel or to read the epic book Why Does He Do That? For more information on these issues.

God be with you if you need support.

A Word, of Hope.

A word of hope

From the depths of a tortured life, I desperately have swam through the ocean of tears, born from heart. And like a phoenix rising from the ashes I will prevail.

Many of you may have noticed my lack of blogging for the past two years. Life(and ofc Allah) sometimes has other plans for us and we have nothing to do but move with the current and make the best of it. As a victim of abuse, I have cried many tears, I have hurt myself and others, I have delayed my needs and sabotaged healthy relationships to try and cope with my heartache. I have mourned for the little girl I used to be, and all the rights that were stolen from her at such a young age. I mourn for the adolescence that was shadowed with confusion. I have wept for the remainder that still bleeds into my adulthood.

And yet, I smile. I laugh, I strive. I am strong. What is shrouded in darkness will always come to light, and the truth, cannot be hidden, justice is served, and love can be found.

Grief is an amazing thing because it is intense, and involved, but once you do it, its over, and you can move on. I have now been left for years, without any semblance of closure for the abuse I experienced as a child, and as time went by only more abuse was piled on. I have been carrying around a deep hate and fear of “love” from a seriously tender young age. It had not occurred to me ever to grieve. I was taught emotion was a bad, terrible thing that should never happen. And often times I refrained from even showing emotion at home because it would be later used against me. Anything I enjoyed was taken and anything I disliked was increased. Eventually, emotions stopped being an option, so I would internalize everything, and feel nothing. Numb on the surface, and suffocating deep inside. I felt encased in life, in time, in breath. So here I am, 21 years old, going to counseling 3 times a week, when I realize, crying actually makes me feel better. Letting go, in a safe, appropriate environment, helps. It was never safe before and so it never happened.

The crying is always intense these days, and I often need to call someone for support to stabilize myself, and my negative thinking, but there is a joyful feeling when the grieving is over. As though I carried mountains of selfishness, and hate, and compensation, and apology and oppression within me for at least a decade, and finally a severe volcanic eruption purged my soul of the deepest fires of hell. The hellish reality that was my existence. Soon after the clouds of ash dissipate and I am left to feel the shine of the gracious Sun on my face. My soul grows, and I understand the purpose of Allah's plan, and why I must bare this burden.

Some people say, be careful what you wish for, and others don't understand God's purpose. When you ask Allah for strength, he gives you something hard to make you strong. When you ask to be more patient, he gives you an impossible situation to battle. In other words, if you wanna run a marathon, you better get your energy drink and your sneakers. This, is life.

My passion in life is to help. To help others with the impossibility life can be. I have been told, I excel in this area, and can truly help those I see suffering. I do not owe this ability to anything or anyone but Allah. He has blessed me with the knowledge of this world, and how to overcome it, and -that- is why I can do what I do. So I no longer ask, why? Why? Why? Why? Had I not been brutally whipped as a child, or beaten, or tormented mentally on several levels, or treated like a sexual object, I would not be who I am. I would not be able to hold the weight of my brothers and sisters in humanity, and I would be completely unable to relate to the strife of being so degraded on a consistent basis. I would not, be me. And through the great leaps of life I have learned to love me. And I have learned when it is safe to let others “love” me. As a wise woman once said said so articulately; I will remove the scarlet letters from my chest, and take the hand of the little girl I used to be, and I will wait for a man to come along, who can give me the -truth- of how much, he can really love me. -Miss Mayda De Valle.

Healing is not, never feeling the pain anymore. Not feeling the pain is repressing and bottling the hurt inside of you, letting it harbor into a polluted mess. These days, I cry daily, and I have never been happier in my life. I have been more scared than ever because I've stopped avoiding my fears, and yet I rest easier. You want strength? Step up to the plate, and **ask for help**.

The very hardest thing for me was realizing I -could not- do it alone. It was not possible. Trusting someone else with my feelings, my love, my reality, was by far more trying than anything else. There is a satisfaction gained when you learn to trust yourself though, and stop second guessing.

For those of you who understand. You are strong, you have held your pain inside your souls for so long. Be brave enough to let it out now. Have faith in The Creator, and Controller of All. Have faith in the one dealing the cards of your life, and make the best of the Hand he deals you. Even if getting out of bed in the morning is your biggest problem, you are a CHAMP for doing it. Doesn't matter how hard the challenge seems, if it's a challenge, and you are trying (even if you aren't necessarily succeeding) you are a hero. Bold, and BRAVE. Give yourself the credit you deserve.

This is my word of hope to you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just take off the blindfold.