1.Shame and embarrassment: She may feel that she has brought the abuse on herself.
She may feel ashamed of her abuser and of herself. Social and cultural ethics about leaving may shape her decision based on the misguided advice of family and friends. In many cultures it is a complete and utter shame to even consider leaving a man who almost breaks your skull open every afternoon because you married him and now you have to deal with him.
2.Hopelessness: Due to psychological conditioning and the ensuing belief that the abuse
is her fault, leaving may not even occur to her as an option. The abuser generally breaks her into the mold of who he wants her to be and teaches her what to think. Many of these things shes taught go along the lines of, worthlessness, uselessness, powerlessness, and inability to succeed at anything.
3. Fear: Women can fear what the abuser will do if she leaves. She may fear retaliation
by the abuser, fear losing her children, or fear that her family, friends, possessions
and/or pets will be harmed. Women are often threatened severe threats by their partners regarding the above and give her a few beatings as well to make sure she gets the picture. It is often the case that family members will only assist the abuser and convince the victim to come back. There is always the fear that the sweet talking husband could convince Children's Aid that she is a bad mother.
4. Inaccessibility of social services: She may have tried to leave in the past, only to find
that there were waiting lists for counseling, shelters and other services. Sometimes women are even taxied out of their neighboring city, away from their support systems, because there is simply no room in the shelters.
5. Lack of access to adequate or affordable shelter and housing: The woman may not
have anywhere to go with her children if she leaves the relationship. There may not be a shelter in her community, or the shelter may not have adequate space. Often times women will get into a shelter and realize that they will be forced to pay market rent until subsidized housing can be found. This is almost impossible when you have children to feed on a small income, or in some cases the woman has no income at all.
6. Financial obstacles: There may be financial obstacles to leaving the relationship and
concern that she will be unable to provide for her children. She may be financially
dependent on the abuser, and may have little or no income, and limited work
experience, making it difficult for her to find employment. There may be the issue of divorce costs, an dividing up the house.
7. Family: Her family may pressure her to stay in the relationship. They may pressure her to work out the problems in the relationship and encourage her to believe that her
partner will change if she can fulfill some magic desire of his. They may have an altered view of the situation because of their own ideals, and push them upon her. They may not wanna take care of her, or have the responsibility of defending her actions to the community at large, which can be very ignorant and unhelpful.
8. Isolation: The abuser may have isolated her from family and friends. She may therefore have little support to leave the relationship. She may be surrounded by people who deny that the abuse is happening or who minimize it. The abuser will often cause her to fight with her family early on in the relationship so that she has no where to go when she needs to leave him. He see's any empowering loving family as a threat that must be taken care of.
9. Providing for children: Often times women will have to move the child's school repeatedly until they find a home. With a limited income the neighborhood the woman is forced to move into and the schools that are available may not be the best. In addition to this she may not be able to feed or cloth them on a limited income while paying bills and seeking counseling for all family members.
10. Immigration Status: Abusers will often threaten the woman with deportation and separation from their family and friends.
11. Mental Disorders: It may be hard for a woman to leave a relationship if she has depression of is bi-polar, or really has to deal with any other external factor that may change her judgment. Any formal diagnosis is always the husband's scapegoat for her acting 'crazy' and can be used against her in a custody battle. On the other end if a woman's partner suffers from a disorder it may be hard to decipher what actions are within his control and which actions are the disorder. There is often that sense of guilt for leaving him because upon his formal diagnosis it is his excuse for all of his negative behaviors.
12. Ideals of marriage: 'You made your bed, now lay in it.' Often times women are made to believe they deserve to be locked in an unloving relationship because she wasn't able to read his mind prior to marriage an see his ulterior motives. She is madec to feel like she caused this so she has to live with it for the rest of her life, despite the strife she feels and the effects it will have on her children.
13. Wanting to raise children in a two parent home: Many believe that raising their children with two parents is better, even if the partnership has some negative effects on the children.
14. Reaching out: Reaching out in the first place is such a difficult thing to do. There is a stigma against any counseling or support groups, and it is often hard to admit in the first place that you have a problem, because then you have to take on the task of fixing it. Sometimes when we do reach out to organizations the staff we get are not so supportive or understanding, and this can really hinder a woman's ability to leave.
15. Not realizing abuse: Often times we have no idea that we are even the victims of abuse. Society as a whole seems to think that if its not physical, its not abuse. For many of us we were raised with abusive parents and siblings, and learn that these behaviors are acceptable from those who 'love' us. I encourage everyone to check out a standard Power and Control Wheel or to read the epic book Why Does He Do That? For more information on these issues.
God be with you if you need support.
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