I remember when I was about 16, a friend confessed to me she'd been depressed cause a close friend of hers had died a while back. At the time I felt so insanely sad for her. It was the worst possible thing I could have imagined that could happen and we were both taken aback by such a sad scenario.
Now I stand back and look at us both, five years later, filled with such fitna and distress. And yet we handle each new disappointment remarkably well. I'm curious as to when pain and destruction had become so common place, so routine. I wonder when it actually was when the world completely crushed our longing youthful souls, and made us into adults. I wonder if that's healthy. I wonder if we will ever dream as we did before. Not that our expectations of the world were so great either. Just wanting some love, a little respect once and a while from the ones we loved, only to return empty handed, burdened once more with someone else's problems.
The past few months my heart has broken more times than I can imagine, and yet I felt worse about the death of her friend, and our boy troubles. When did my heart grow so much callas? And do I dare attempt to bare it once again to a vicious world?
Is this what 'adulthood' breeds?
So many questions racing, so little answers, so many more problems to fix. Does it end? Or will death be the final peace? Quiet. Stillness. Love.
All I know is God gave me limbs and a brain, so I will keep walking this path as long as it takes to answer these questions, knowing life is like a good episode of LOST; it answers what you've been dieing to know, but leaves you to wonder about everything else. With each step I find myself more, and yet, I feel more lost than ever before. Such is love I guess. Such is life.
1 comment:
Oh don't feel so bad. Humanity has been going through pain and destruction for many many years. There's always war and loss. Ever since I was a kid, I was taught that there were people out there who hated me, and probably preferred me dead, just because I was me. And some of them just HAPPENED to be Jews. Some of them are probably some people from all backgrounds, sunnis, shias, christains, atheists, hindus, etc...
But did that justify me not loving the life that Allah SWT gave me too? Why should criminals be the only ones to abuse their freedoms and do whatever they wanted? What if I wanted to invest in my rights and my freedoms and do good with it instead? Why shouldn't I love that? Why shouldn't I enjoy that? What gives the right to any other human being, regardless of their background, to make me miserable? In short, nothing gives them that right. And so I won't give it to them. Life was meant to be peace, but criminals turn it into a fight. So we're born into it, and we fight back.
As far as life itself goes, why should I make a bigger deal than what it is? It's not like I asked God to give me life in the first place, but he gave it to me, and this is what I find myself in. Who am I to ask for any more or desire any less? And yet Allah loves to give and he takes back what he wants.
Nothings over yet, we still have resurection to go through, and thats going to be rough enough as it is. No ones dead forever.
Also, don't take life too personally. Unless you want to use it for good. And get personal with the criminals that go out of their way to ruin it for the rest of us, cuz they're not supposed to be allowed to do that.
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